My name is Xio and this is my blog.
That moment when your mood just spirals downwards and you’re not exactly sure as to why..
Yesterday marked 19 years that my mom passed away. I went with my sisters to the cemetery to visit her tomb stone, but honestly, I don’t know how I feel about doing that. I don’t like having to visit my mother’s grave. I never know what to do while I’m standing there. I just stare at the stone and flowers for a while then start looking around.
I tried so hard not to cry while I was there because I feel like I always do that. Last time we were there, for Mother’s Day, I started to cry and it’s like, I feel like I should stop already because it’s been so long and I’m going to have to get over it one day. But I realized, not too long ago, that I will never get over the fact that she passed away. I accepted the fact that I can’t move on from this because I never got to know her, never got pictures or videos with her like my sisters did. I was never able to have memories with my own mother. Maybe if I did, I would be able to let it go, but I know I can’t.
Every time we go to the cemetery I get the same feeling. The knot in my throat and it won’t go away. I feel sad and kind of empty. Sometimes even angry because I can’t understand why she was taken away so quickly from me. I would have liked to be able to at least say hi to her. I like hearing the stories, but I will never truly feel anything since they were not my experiences with her that I remember.
It just sucks..
Never in my life have I felt so stupid, embarrassed, and unwanted. Here’s my 4th of July story:
When we were about to leave from Rockland Pool, my step-mom, Irene, was going to say bye to me because she thought I was going home, but I forgot to ask if I could sleep over, even though my dad said I can stay over whenever I want. I had told him that I was going to stay over again, but I guess he didn’t tell her and when I told her that I was, she put a face and all she said was, “Now it’s gonna be tight in the back seat.” My father had already spoken to Alyssa and Tommy, my sister and brother, about it and Irene was acting really weird after that. Then in the car Jeanette, her aunt, was like, “Oh we’re gonna be uncomfortable in here.” Like they really made me feel unwanted in that car; I felt so stupid. I wanted to just leave the car. I felt like crying the whole way home because Irene had an attitude with my dad the whole time was mad quiet too. Jeanette said, “Oh it’s tight here,” like mad times. After we got to the house, I was just thinking about going home after I took a shower, but I knew it wasn’t going to be possible. I couldn’t help but cry once I got in the shower. That was the most I’ve cried in a long time and I couldn’t stop. They made me feel like I was a bother to their lives and like I’m a burden when I stay over and I don’t do anything. When I got out, my sister, Nana, came with her best friend, Antonio, and other people in the car and brought me home. I knew it was going to be a problem, but they still came because I felt uncomfortable in that house. Before I left my father said, “Why didn’t you say anything before? They were stuck uncomfortable in the car because she was going to sleep over.” My own father couldn’t even defend me when she said all of that, but had to join in on making me feel this way. I was so hurt. Once I left with Nana, I started crying again in the hallway, outside, and in the car. Antonio, his girlfriend, Megan, and Nana all tried to comfort me and told me not to worry about it, but it still bothered me. It still bothers me that all of that happened last night… I’m not staying over there for a really long time. I used that house as an escape from my own and now I know that I can’t anymore. It sucks though because I like spending time with my little brother and sister and now I can’t…
Happy 4th of July to me…